I am reading An-Ya and Her Diary by Diane Rene Christian, it is a novel that chronicles the journey of an 11 year old adoptee from China, written in diary format. Ch.91 “As my body grows, the more I feel like I will never know the beginning of my story. If only I could go back in time and see Her (biological mom) face and listen to Her conversations with Him (biological dad). What did they say to each other? How does a person decide to leave their baby and a book in the street under a gate? How is it possible that She could decide that plan was the best thing to do? It doesn’t make sense to me and it probably never will. The bigger I get, the more confused I feel. Because now I know that thousands of mothers have made the same decision that She made. Elli’s mother left her too. Every single child that was in my orphanage and orphanages around the world had mothers that made the same decision. They left their children and never came back. They left their children forever, and they will never know what happened to all of us. How can that be?”
Lately I have been really burdened for all of the mothers who have chosen to or had to give up their children because they can’t afford to care for them or because of social/cultural pressure to do so. When you are carrying a baby for 9 months and give birth to that child, you won’t ever forget that child. I don’t understand a lot of things and orphans in the world is one of those things. The only thing that makes sense to me is that it happens because God allows us all free-will and in a sinful world sometimes the choices we make are not His choice. He is love and through adoption we see a glimpse of His love in this world.
I can only imagine what it is like for those mothers and fathers that give their children away. The words that come to mind are aching, incompleteness, longing to know them, praying, overwhelming sadness, remember everyday and forever, special life moments missed, tears, inconsolable crying, lifetime of concern and wondering, sleepless nights, pacing, broken heart, painful emptiness, guilt, bad feelings, great pain, love, sacrifice, etc.
My first adopted son said this about his biological mom, “I can’t say that I “love” her (because I simply don’t know her). But I am extremely grateful and blessed that she chose what was best for me. I would like to locate her, and my biological father (if either of them are still alive) someday. I am blessed that she didn’t act out of impulse and selfishness because my chances of survival would have been slim.”
This is in honor of my son’s mother and our soon to be daughter’s mother…THANK YOU for giving us a chance to raise and love your children, born from your womb. It must have been so hard for you to walk away from your child. I grieve for you. I understand that it is painful emptiness, that you no longer have the child you birthed…God loves you and your child and made a way for your child to be loved here on earth.